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The Rant Shack
(Wherein We Rant)
Mike Says:
(02/14/04)
"HAPPY" VALENTINE'S DAY?
You do realize, of course, that Valentine's Day is like every nice guy's worst nightmare, right? I mean, prom is bad, but it only happens once. You have to put up with Valentine's every year.
I think we learn early what a nightmare this Hallmark holiday is. Grade school. You remember. The Peanuts (or Garfield, or whatever) box of Valentine's every parent had to buy each kid to hand out in school. Your mom would buy them for you, too. And you'd think over your list of classmates, daring to dream. Girls would always give them to each other, which was girly and cool. Some guys would give them to their guy friends, but most of us knew early that that was...well, rather gay. So you've got this box. And you have a room full of girls, and at least a few of them were pretty cute, and here was a chance to make your move in a socially acceptable way. Give her a Snoopy Valentine! She'll be swept away by the sentiment! She'll realize she's never really seen you in that way, and curse herself for being so blind for so long. She'll end up, of course, "going" with you from that day on, and your life will finally be perfect. Well, if you managed to finally get your pubes, too...
Of course, you had to get up the guts to give it to her. This is the early metaphor for that girl at the dance club you can't take your eyes off of. You KNOW she's out of your league, but your inner Tony Robbins is telling you to just go for it, what have you got to lose? So what if she rejects your advances? At least you tried, right? I actually think the reason many guys are so gun shy at the dance club or bar is that they learned early--with those stupid-ass Valentines--the pain and humiliation of reality kicking little Tony Robbins' big-toothed ass to a bloody pulp.
But at least there was a hands-off approach to burgeoning romance, a more passive road to bliss. Some crazy cute girl could lay the Snoopy on YOU. Of course! Girls are shy, too, right? Maybe she's just been waiting for the right moment to reveal her feelings for you. So Valentine's Day at school comes. And you end up getting one from the girl who gave one to everyone in the class. And one from the teacher. And one from the Momma's boy who was inevitably clueless about the politics of sixth grade manhood. And then you'd watch the class jock working his way through his pile, and then drown your sorrows wolfing a whole bag of that "Be Mine" candy and ending vomiting up hearts after dinner later that night. Oddly apropos.
V-Day is the great double-edged sword. A reminder of how pathetic your life is, and the fact that everyone BUT you in the continental U.S. is happy and hooked up--if you're single and dateless--or an overwhelming relief if you happen to be in a relationship when 2/14 comes to town. On THOSE years, you are the king of the world. You're not one of "them" anymore. You've got a girl. You're Don Juan. Me, I always end up going all out on my tandem Valentines, I think more just out of respect for the moment than anything else. All my problems with El Dio del Cupido are forgotten, and I become one Arthurian-caliber romantic S.O.B. I go all out. And I have had some good ones, truth be told. Some? Not so much...
Flash to a few years back. I'm in the safe, comforting arms of a long-term relationship. All's right with the world. And I know the big day is coming, and I'm going for broke. I've bought the girl a pair of diamond earrings (having finally gotten over my fear of buying jewelry). I've got candy. I've got a collection of miniature perfume bottles purchased from a fine department store (because I know she collects them). I've sent roses to her workplace. I've got us a reservation at one of the best restaurants in town. I've picked out the perfect romantic card. I've written her a SONG, for crying out loud. I'm the man. I'm God's gift to boyfriends. This is going to be the best Valentine's ever.
And the gift exchange portion of the evening comes. All my goods are laid out, one after the next, in just the perfect dramatic order to create the romantic crescendo I'm looking for.
And then I get her gift to me.
She bought me software.
Two months later, the relationship was over. Do you THINK I should have seen it coming?
Thankfully, now, I think I'm finally old enough to be over the specter of Valentine's Day. I'm comfortable in my single life. I not longer feel mocked by the bright red banners hanging around the mall, or cringe at the voices of fellow workers talking about their big romantic plans for the weekend. I accept that this holiday is made 1) for the young(er than me), and 2) for people in relationships to have that special day to reaffirm the romantic side of their life together. On good years, like this one, I'm content where I am. I know I'll get that box of candy in the mail from my mom that comes every year. I'll get an online Valentine from my niece that will brighten my day. I'll likely get a Valentine from my 6th grade teacher (for God's sake, Mr. Sanford, let it go!).
I'll be fine and likely won't even give the holiday a second thought. Why? Because I have, in my life, a purer love than any I've known. A deeper relationship than I could reach with any woman, no matter how special she is to me.
I have basketball.
And this weekend is the NBA All-Star Weekend.
HEY NOW! YOU'RE AN ALL-STAR!
THIS IS THE GREATEST WEEKEND OF THE YEAR!!.
That time of year has come again--my Christmas, New Year's, and Arbor Day all rolled into one. Live from Los Angeles, TNT, ABC and NBA-TV are proudly bringing ME the NBA All-Star Weekend.
There are people who don't care for basketball. There are also people who still think the world is flat, and I can't understand the thinking of either group. I'm from Sacramento, which means you LIVE basketball. I have, and I do. I have the NBA League Pass on my cable and watch every Kings game. I have gear, from jerseys to tee shirts to hats (one hat for the regular season, one to wear during the playoffs only). I have collectors items, from bobble-heads to fridge magnets to mugs to steins to mini basketballs to key chains. If basketball be my religion, this weekend be my ramadan.
This is the time of year when basketball, midway through its season, pauses for a weekend of competition, fun, and celebration of the sport. The NBA's best and brightest gather in a select city, and this year, it's in L.A., which means to celebrities are going to be all over this thing. The culmination of the weekend is the All-Star game itself, which pits Eastern Conference vs. West. Fans vote for their favorites (forwards, guards and centers) and the top 5 in each conference are the starting 5 for each respective team. With the popularity contest out of the way, the remaining members of the team are chosen by the coaches, and those are the ones who usually represent current best of the best. This game, always a blast, goes down on Sunday. But on Saturday, we get the serious fun. NBA All-Star Saturday Night includes several competitions, from the 3-point shoot-out to the slam dunk competition to the skills challenge to the "shooting stars" event (a new one this year, it's a shooting competition with teams of three made up of a current NBA player, a retired NBA legend, and a WNBA player). And in the middle there's usually a pretty spectacular half-time show with big musical guests. Set in L.A., I bet that's going to be a big one this year, too.
I love this weekend. Every year, I lock myself in the apartment and watch two straight days of basketball. I load up with like a case of Sprite, chips, salsa, tacitos, pretzels and other unhealthy fair. The roommate and I, both roundball freaks, will order up pizza and make chili fries to tide us over. And then it's all about the basketball. No matter what's going on during the season, no matter who the big competition for my team is at the time, I, like the NBA, forget all that for a couple of days. I love EVERYbody during All-Star Weekend. I even cheer for Shaq and Kobe, for crying out loud. It's a chance to just respect the skills of some of the greatest players in the world, and to just relish in the pure joy of the game. It's like heaven with a 24-second shot clock.
This year I'm extra happy, because two of my guys (Peja Stojakovic and Brad Miller) ended up on the Western All-Star team. And Peja will be in the three-point competition again, defending his title and going for a third straight win (a chance to tie Larry Bird). And, thanks to the Shooting Stars thing, I get to see Magic Johnson play again, which is always gold. I'm psyched about the skills competition because four of the greatest point guards in the game--Gary Payton, Stephon Marbury, Baron Davis, and the 5'5 Denver dynamo Earl Boykins (underdog favorite! Go, man, go!) will be going head to head. The slam-dunk thing is always a blast, though I'm a little disappointed that it's become more about the rookies than getting the big names, which I think would draw more viewers. But hey...Chris Anderson from the Nuggets is going for it this time, and I love that guy, so I'm there. I'm almost sad that the Shooting Star thing changed its format. It used to be teams of four--and it was an actual (half-court) game--and the fourth was a non-NBA celebrity. There was nothing cooler on TV EVER than seeing Tom Cavanagh (TV's "Ed") get all crazy defense on Justin Timberlake and almost start a fight with him (not to mention Justin shooting one over the top of Kenny Smith (which Charles Barkley never lets him forget). But I'm down for it anyway. For all of it. I'll even be watching the live practice sessions on NBA TV. I'm that big of a freak.
If you're reading this before Saturday at 5pm, jump on TNT and check it out. Lots of fun to be had.
NBA Action. It's better than software.
DISTURBING INTERNET IMAGE OF THE MONTH
Every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed dictator....
RANDOM YODA "SNAP"
"So fat, your mother is, that matters, size does."
(Insert maniacal Yoda laugh here)
RANDOM "TENACIOUS D" NICE GUY MOMENT
Last week
Tim quit the Guy
Now we're back together
Misunderstanding, didn't understand
Now we're back together
Couldn't break up Alice and Flo
Couldn't break up Curly and Moe
What we gonna do with all the dough?
(No, Tim didn't quit the Guy. Go buy some Tenacious D and stop listening to rumors!)
MARCHING ON TO MARCH
All right, y'all, see you on March 1st, hope you survived Friday the 13th, and keep spreading the good Nice Guy word to your friends and relations!
Michael
The
Nice Guy
“Pilot”
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